Raising the Flag-The Faces Behind Pflag
Written by by Brad Beauchamp
“My other children, not Lisa, occasionally ask things like, ‘why gay rights?’” says Ann Schelbe, mother of three. “They’ll say, ’Why not world hunger or the homeless?’ In the end, I believe that any injustice should never go unnoticed, and this is an issue that’s been ignored by our society for far too long.”
Ann & her husband Dave have been married for over thirty-five years. They’ve raised three children and have worked in Pittsburgh for most of their lives. They’ve been proponents of equality since childhood, but it was their own daughter’s coming out that compelled them to do more. Nowadays, both Dave & Ann manage the satellite branch of the Pittsburgh Chapter of PFLAG (Parents, Families & Friends of Lesbians and Gays).
PFLAG is, at its core, a support group and much more. And while it’s the parents and friends who make up the majority of the attendees, meetings oftentimes also include gays, lesbians, and transgendered folks as well. It’s a place of honesty and an outlet for nagging thoughts and long-held secret fears. To the veterans of PFLAG, it’s also a home base for promoting advocacy – a focal point where those who want to change American society can meet together and brainstorm on ways to shape their communities into a more evolved and accepting world.
PFLAG is also an eye opener. It challenges the preconceptions of sexual orientation & gender identity in the most practical way – by pairing people together and having them share their life experiences and stories.
Dave recalls the first gay person he’d ever met, an old friend of his from college. “It was 1971, I remember because Ann & I were at our wedding rehearsal,” says Dave. “We were nervous and excited all at the same time. A good friend of mine popped into the rehearsal room. He’d driven all the way to Pennsylvania for the wedding; we’d been in opera together in the music program at school, and I was very excited that he could come to the wedding. The rehearsal ended and we were sitting down for dinner when it hit me – he had come alone. And then, sitting there and thinking more about it, I suddenly just knew.” Despite being close friends for a number of years, Dave’s friend never actually came out to him.
“It was a different time back then,” says Dave. “People didn’t communicate like they do now. But I know he was gay, it all made sense.”
For Ann, she met her “family friends” in 1994, deep in the heart of Africa.
“It was my mother and me on this four-week excursion,” says Ann. “We flew into Kenya and as soon as we landed, we shared a limo with these two men. We could tell they were gay right off the bat, they were just so open and vibrant and funny. We had a ball! Sam was in his forties, and Michael was in his sixties. They were just close friends, not a couple or anything like that.”
Over the course of the next four weeks, the group shared meals, rides, laughs and tears.
“We had discussions about everything – love, life, childhood, politics, family – all of it.” One personal note that Michael shared with the group was his health; he had contracted HIV in his earlier years and was beginning to show the symptoms on the trip.
“There were some moments on the trip where he was feeling sick,” says Ann. “It was up and down for him. And he was so worried about our health too. I remember one time where Michael & I had ordered the same food, it was a packed lunch on one of the day trips, and at some point we got them confused and we were eating each other’s meals. He immediately was so concerned. This was 1994 so I knew that it wasn’t anything to be worried about. And I’m sure he knew that too, but still, it really bothered him. He was so caring and thoughtful like that.”
By the end of the trip, Ann felt like a new person. “Africa was one of the most significant moments of my life,” she says. “I’d never seen poverty like that before. It really opened my eyes. They’re an absolutely magnificent people.”
As soon as Ann returned from her trip, Dave noticed the change in her behavior. Books on GLBT advocacy started appearing on the coffee table, with bindings already broken from a quick read. Always a supporter of equality, he took his wife’s cue and began reading up on the community himself.
“But the truth of the matter is,” says Dave, “until your kid comes out to you, you’re really in the dark.”
In 2001, The Schelbe family experienced the loss of Dave’s uncle, Garnet Garrison. Beloved by the entire family, they traveled to Ann Arbor for the service. Lisa, 25 years old at the time, had a secret on her mind that she couldn’t contain any longer.
‘“Go right ahead,” I said.
“I’m dating somebody,” Lisa said.
“That’s really cool!” Ann said. “Who is it?”
“It’s a woman.”
Ann said, “That’s really cool! What’s her name?”
“Tonya.”
Ann asked, “Does that mean you’re a lesbian?”
“Yes,” Lisa said.’
“And this whole time,” says Dave, “I keep looking at my watch and thinking about how we’re going to be late to the funeral, so I say, ‘That’s fine, we can talk about it later, but please go change because we have to get ready to go.’”
Lisa listened to her father and went to her hotel room, leaving her parents alone for a moment.
Ann says, “I remember turning to Dave and saying, ‘Are you okay with that?’ And we paused for just a second and he turned to me and said ‘Of course!’ And you know? It was so good in that moment to be able to look into my soul and into my partner’s soul and be able to say…. Yes.”
After only a few minutes, Lisa came back to the room and knocked a little harder on the door. She entered the room and proclaimed, “Did you hear what I just said?”
Now that Ann & Dave have been involved with PFLAG for many years, they can understand why Lisa thought they might not handle the confession as well as they did.
“I realize it was a major moment for Lisa now,” says Dave. “It just didn’t seem like a big deal.”
There’s an old saying within the GLBT community that it’s the one coming out who is always the last to know about it. But in Lisa’s case, neither parent had any strong sense that she was gay beforehand. “She lived with a man from South America a few years prior,” says Dave. “At one point, she was debating moving there to live with him, and possibly getting married. That was actually a much more scary relationship for me, because, essentially, it was a pretty unsafe region where he lived where there was a lot of violence. And his father was a prominent politician at the time, so I had great concerns for her safety.”
Ann, on the other hand, had only a slight suspicion over the years.
“There was one instance that I recall it even coming up,” says Ann. “I was working with David and Soulforce during this one trip and I was traveling on a bus. Someone turned to me and asked, ‘How would you respond if your son or daughter was gay?’ and I replied, ‘I’m not entirely sure one of my daughters isn’t gay,’ and when I said it, I was thinking of Lisa. Of course, if she hadn’t have come out to me years later, I’m sure I would have forgotten all about it.”
“I’m the guy who muddled along,” says Dave, smiling. “I was the guy in the opera chorus in school, and it never occurred to me to think that my friends might be gay. It’s funny thinking back on it now that I’m so involved and aware.”
A large part of PFLAG is listening to others share their coming out stories. It’s an essential part of the meetings for all those brand new to PFLAG, oftentimes involving everyone present.
“Even knowing that I eventually wanted to open up a branch of my own,” says Ann, “it didn’t make attending that first meeting any easier.”
It was shortly after September 11th, 2001, and Ann felt a strong need to do something for peace and justice in the world. At the time, she was heavily involved with the United Methodist Church. A member of one of the church committees, Ann was able to reserve rooms located in one wing of the church for various classes, activities and groups.
Of course, the task of attaining a room for PFLAG meetings wasn’t quite as easy as an up-or-down vote. It took her 18 months of conversations, persuasion, and sometimes downright arguing to gain permission for one night a month.
“It was crazy,” says Ann. “Any other reason someone needed a room would receive an immediate approval as long as it was available.” Ann had to concede that she wouldn’t publish the church’s name or address on any of the materials that she created for the meetings. This meant listing her home number on all websites, flyers, and newsletters.
“Dave and I were giving directions over the phone for 9 months,” says Ann. “After that, we were able to get them to agree that we could start putting the name on the ads.” Ann takes a deep breath. “But you know what? None of that matters because I know that PFLAG has done a great deal of good for many GLBT people, their families, and their friends.”
The Pittsburgh branch of PFLAG is host to approximately 35-40 people per meeting. Ann & Dave’s satellite branch, on the other hand, boasts a more intimate number of 5-8. This gives them the opportunity to be more flexible with the meetings, oftentimes leaving more time for personal discussions and conversations.
“I am not a religious person anymore,” says Ann, “but I swear the group of newcomers that we get in a night is divine. People come to these meetings who really want to talk to a gay man, or a transgendered woman, and somehow, that exact same person is new that week too. I’ve seen it happen so many times, it’s incredibly magical.”
PFLAG-North Pittsburgh holds meetings at the United Methodist Church on the fourth Monday of every month from 7:30-9:00 pm. For a schedule of PFLAG meetings in your hometown, be sure to visit:
http://www.PFLAG.org .
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